The Expert Podcast

So how can you know that a mediator is impartial, is a true neutral third party? In fact, mediators are often referred to as neutrals because they're not biased one side or another. Now, knowing that people are human and with the fears and anxieties and suspicions that you have, how can you know that your mediator is impartial or dealing with your case in an impartial way?

Well, let's be real — everybody has goals and intentions. A mediator has those as well. In fact, it's untrue to say that a mediator is impartial. A true good mediator is partial; they're partial to a successful outcome. As a mediator personally, I am partial to a solution. That's what I'm partial to the entire time that I'm working with clients or parties to a case. I'm laser focused on coming to some conclusion. I'm not trying to force a conclusion on anybody because I know it's voluntary, and any solution that tries to be forced or is coerced is not going to work, right? I'm personally laser focused on a solution.

I hear both parties. Just because I hear one party, and I let them talk and I let them vent, and I let you vent as a client, and I let you tell your story, and I solicit and pull more information out of you, doesn't mean the other side should be suspicious that I care about you, right? If I'm asking you questions and want to hear your story and I maybe have empathy towards you, the other party could be suspicious that, wait a minute, maybe they like them more than me. I like both of you. I want both of you to have a good solution, right?

So if you see a mediator hearing the other person talking to the other person, that doesn't mean they're taking sides. It means the mediator is trying to fully absorb and immerse both parties. Just like we care about you, we want to care about the other person too. You should want that. You should want to see a mediator really taking interest in the other side too because that way you don't have to let them do the work of connecting with both sides. That way you don't have to drop your guard or lower your pride in being caring about somebody who you feel may have hurt you, who you feel maybe doesn't have your interest at heart.

Let somebody else do that because until both sides feel heard and feel listened to and feel cared for, there is no resolution. Do you want to care for the other side? Do you want to give them empathy? Probably not. So let the mediator do it. But also don't take it as a sign of impartiality — that's our job. It's hard. It's very hard to do. But let the expert do that. Somebody has to understand what's important to both people.

I'm going to put a lot of effort into understanding what's important to you. I'm going to put a lot of effort into understanding what's important to the other person. Neither one of those actions is a betrayal of the other side. It's actually trying to see where those interests already match, already overlap. So impartiality is implied; it's intrinsic to the process. But make no mistake: a good mediator is partial to something. Matter of fact, is very passionate about something. A good mediator is passionate and partial to a resolution because if there's no resolution, I feel like I failed.

A good mediator feels like they failed, and in fact, it's almost like more of a letdown for us because here's the thing: as a mediator, we know if we fail, we can go out and do another case. You still have this conflict. So we don't want to leave you in that situation because you have more to lose than we do. So we certainly want to go out of our way to make that work.