The Expert Podcast

So let's say you're in the middle of some type of a conflict Maybe it's a lawsuit Maybe it's a divorce Maybe it's some kind of family squabble a real estate deal gone bad corporate contract Maybe it's a negotiation About a sale and you've decided that mediation would be a very good tool to use To try to get a solution for you and the other parties involved If you've read about mediation and can see That it's a way to break through the log jam to kind of get both people moving forward But what if you're the only one that sees this What if the other party or parties I
do not see the benefit of mediation Maybe they don't know about it Maybe they know about it and they just refuse to do it Or they're just not interested in trying maybe they're stubborn I bet if you're in a conflict with somebody you think they're stubborn maybe they are Maybe they aren't But mediation Would be a solution If you can get them there how do you get somebody To be interested in mediation when they're not Let's look at a few ways a few methods that you can help get another party to mediation but also a few ways that you don't want to try that will backfire on you
First thing you don't want to try is Having it I be like it's your idea And you want to try to drag them in because look you're already in a conflict with somebody about your ideas If you just add this idea of mediation To the menu of subjects of conversation They're going to resist that just on principle It's like the kid Who would love to eat mashed potatoes but if you try to force feed the mashed potatoes they're not going to eat it They're going to resist just on principle For those of your kids Same thing with any subject So if you want to try to get somebody to do something you want to make it so that they see it as their idea too or at least of interest how do you do that One way to do it The first one we'll give you five options
Is to Find the one thing in the conflict That's really their sticking point Like the one thing that they're really trying to get you to accomplish let's say it has to do with some dollar amount If it's an negotiation on a purchase maybe it's the price If it's a negotiation on a settlement of a lawsuit maybe it's the dollar amount of the settlement If it's a conflict over damages maybe it's the amount of damages So take that one thing that they're really that you hear most from that other party And you make the mediation about that Say look here's what I'm going to do W obviously we can't get together in this I want to hear you out about your Position on this price this damage this amount why don't we do this Why don't you tell your side of the story to a mediator And they can Have their opinion Put on me You tell your story you pitch your case to this mediator And I will listen to This position I want to hear it through a mediator to see what they have to think Third-party so make it about their thing
Right That's number one Option number two is to make it about some time element If you know that the other party Is hung up on something with time Like I gotta get this done by a certain date or I want to have this deadline Make the mediation something that you are agreeing to get something by that deadline Look I want to have this settled by October 1st Well I'll tell you what If we do this mediation then that'll be we have to do this before I go any further So make it a sticking point for that deadline It's a little bit of a negative Stereotype It's a little bit of a forced Agreement But if you make it about something they want it's a little bit of a trade off They can trade that for that time deadline that they're really working towards Number three make it about hearing them out listening to them In many cases the reason they party to a negotiation or a conflict Or a controversy is difficult is because they feel like they're not being heard That's what makes them stubborn because they don't feel like anybody's listening to them Nobody's hearing them out A lot of times just hearing their side of the story solves the problem by itself They just want to get it off their chest Without any changes in the terms So if you can present it as look I have a mediator they want to hear your side of the story They'll give you Unlimited bandwidth to tell what you have to show your evidence to show your point of view Here's somebody who listened to your whole story they won't interrupt you They won't be like me and cut you off in the mid sentence They're going to listen to everything you have to say
So there's an option Sometimes that by itself is a pleasing place Look a lot of that times the other party It doesn't even have anybody in their life That we'll hear their side of the story their spouse their relatives their friends their coworkers They don't want to hear this story about their controversy over and over They've heard it a million times So here's somebody that will just shut up and listen undivided attention Hear what you have to say In the form of a mediator Look you don't want to pitch it as that the mediation is going to solve the problem You just want to get them in the door just get into the mediation Let that process handle itself Don't try to predict the outcome of it Don't try to force through the outcome Just have get the person in the front door Mediation It's almost like an intervention You just want to get the person there Let the process handle itself
Right You don't want to try to over promise what it's going to do or what the result is to be say look just just be there And that brings us to number four and just make it a small ask Say look I'm not asking you to go through a big hassle this big mediation just do this for me Have this conversation with the mediator Can you commit to 20 minutes of a conversation That's all I'm asking Just 20 minutes I promise I won't bug you about this anymore Whatever you want to promise Just Get an ask get a commitment for a very small thing The 20 minute conversation you don't have to go anywhere It'll be by video Just talk to this person even if you just want to tell them you know go to hell whatever Just just talk to them Right Make it a small ask So it's not a big deal Like this mediation is going to be binding on them because it's not it's just one point of view Make it seem like a smaller thing And number five divert the conflict To the discussion of the mediation So if you have a big conflict over a divorce settlement Let's say Somebody won't agree to a certain settlement or there are stubborn about what the terms are or child support or visitation wherever it is Divert the conversation from that and say look Let's forget about that for for the time being let's just talk about this mediation
Ask them About what their objection is to mediation What is the biggest reason that you wouldn't want to do this mediation
Let them tell you And then ask them is there anything about it That does sound good Is there any one part of it that's maybe on the pros and cons list one pro Now you have something to work with now your conversation is diverted from the main thing Too The mediation and maybe you can solve that And help Get the person to that Facilitation That conversation and solve the problem So those are five ways you can try to get the other party to mediation to help you both get to the goal of a solved problem