The Expert Podcast

Hi, this is Dave Pelligrinelli, a certified conflict mediator, certified in Civil Court mediation and Family Court mediation. Seeing disputes resolved and fights handled is something we look at every single day. Here's the thing: conflicts are a part of life. It may seem like more conflicts happen within a marriage; however, that's only because you spend more time with your life partner, your spouse, your boyfriend, your girlfriend, whatever it is. Because of that, you log more hours that could generate more conflict. Plus, you get more interpersonally associated with that person.

So how do you avoid or resolve conflicts within a marriage? Well, it's the same way you do it in any other conflict. Here's the thing: in almost every conflict or dispute, there's already 90% agreement on most of the things that are in play. The things that are not resolved are things that most of the time don't have too big of a difference. They're just some spite, some pride, some principle that one or both people have, where they don't want to give in. Not so much because of that reason or that factor, or that disputable argument—it has to do with their own personal sense of independence. They don't want to give in because they feel like they've already given in too much.

How do you handle that? Well, this article talks about house rules of a marriage, which some of it has to do with other things besides conflict. For example, the first rule is: Do you like the other person? Because if you don't like the other person, it doesn't matter anyway. You probably wouldn't have a relationship. Turning towards meaning that you're interested in focusing on the person—that's all great positive perspective. That's good too. As soon as you become negative and demoralized, that's going to put a damper on things. But here's the thing: managing conflict is inevitable. How you manage it determines the future of the relationship. Both partners need to approach disagreements with the mindset that they want to get to the solution, not prove themselves right.

That comes from first listening to the other person. You don't have to agree with them. Most people think that having to listen to the other person means you have to agree with them. You don't have to agree, just listen. It's hard to listen because sometimes, if you're listening and not objecting to the other person's point of view, you might think you're implying that you agree with it. And that's hard because if you let it go too long, some people think that, "Well, if I didn't object to it, I didn't dispute it, I'm actually acknowledging that it might be true."

But if you listen to it, many times when we deal with a couple or two people or two companies that are in dispute as a mediation or as a conflict resolution, all the other person wants to do is just get it off their chest. They just want to say it. Sometimes once they say it, they say what their complaint is, they say what their problem is. They don't even need the other person to agree anymore. They just got a chance to vent it. Think about it yourself: one of the biggest complaints in a relationship is, "I just want to be heard. I just want somebody to listen to me." Or in a legal case, "I just want my day in court." How many times have you heard, "I just want my day in court"? They didn't say they want to win in court; they just want their day in court. That means they want to be able to say what's on their mind without anybody shutting them down.

The hardest thing you can do, but the easiest thing you can do at the same time, is if you're in conflict with somebody who you care about—who you have respect for, not somebody that you think is evil—your video will be back in 8 seconds. In the meantime, remember you have access to live one-on-one consultation and undivided attention of a licensed, certified expert in this subject and many others. We want to listen to your story, hear your questions, and give you expert advisement on your options. We want to tell you what we know about your situation and the options you have now.

Back to your video: for somebody you care about, it's just letting them speak their mind. Many times, a way you can start is to say exactly that. "Look, I know you have a lot to say about this subject. I know that sometimes people don't like to listen to you. Here's what I want you to do: I want you to say what it is you think without any interruption. Say the things that you normally don't have an outlet for, you don't have an audience for, and just speak your mind. Monologue uninterrupted. Ready, go. I might ask you some questions, but I'm not going to interrupt or conflict or 'yeah, but'—ready, go."

Let that person just kind of run off at the mouth, for lack of a better phrase. And no matter what they say—even if they give you suggestions, "You should do this, you should do that"—at the end of that, the way you should look at it is with gratitude. I hate to use the word "gratitude" because it sounds too "hippie-trippy," but all you should do is say, "Thank you. Thank you for telling me all that." And you can tell them, "I'm not necessarily sure I agree with everything, but I did want to hear it because it's a gift from you to me to know what's on your mind." Even if you have different opinions or you want to influence the person to think something else, or show them that they're wrong, or show them that there's a better way—that's okay. Don't do it right then. Say, "Look, I just want to absorb that. I want to think about what you said. I want to really appreciate your thoughts, and then we'll talk about it again later."

That way, you're not taking all that work they did and then shutting them down and proving to them that what they did was wrong by you just saying, "Yeah, but you're not right." It's hard because you have to sit there and take it. And everything they're saying might be painful to hear. Some of it might be painful because it's true. Some of it might be painful because you don't want to deal with it or you don't want to hear it. But it's like a magic trick. If you want great relationships with anybody—personal relationships, marriage, or even a business relationship—and you have the time, let the person just speak their mind. Let them go on and on and on. Then come back later and say, "Here, you mentioned this—tell me more about that." If you make it about them, you see what it says. Make the focus about them.

Turning towards bids for connection—when somebody wants support, give them the support. Look, if it comes down to it and you don't agree with it, you don't have to. You don't have to agree with it. It doesn't matter at the end of the day. You don't have to agree with it. So trust your own ability to say, "No, you're not going to be talked into anything that you don't believe in." But let the other person speak their mind. 90% of what they're saying will go away by itself if it's not valid, if it's not sustainable, if it's not defendable. They will realize that just by talking them through it.

If they don't, and maybe they don't have the intellectual capacity to handle that, well then you can make a decision about that connection. But let the person get it out of their system. In many cases, they will talk themselves out of their position rather than you doing it. Sometimes people keep a position that they don't agree with just because of spite or another person talking them out of it. It's reverse psychology, right? When you're a kid, remember when your parent said, "We're not going to go to this place," and you said, "I want to go there," but it was the place they wanted to go. Right? Let the person talk it out or let them see the benefit of their thought process. By you giving them support to get it off their chest, now they'll trust you more as an ally in their conversation, not just automatically knee-jerk reacting and objecting to it.

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