The Expert Podcast

…So you're thinking about doing a mediation to help you with some conflict or litigation or court case. And you're wondering what's going to happen in a mediation. Let me start by giving you an example of an introduction. Or the beginning of a mediation session. What you're going to expect when you first walk into that room or if it's done remotely, virtually. What's going to happen You'll have a certified mediator. Who is going to introduce the process. Going something like this. First of all. Let me tell you what you can expect as participants in this mediation. So you can envision and see the day…First of all all the parties here…Need to be familiar with each other. My name is Dave Pella Marinelli. I'm your mediator. I'm going to help facilitate you through this process. Understanding it's very hard I know you probably have a lot of concerns and maybe even fears about what's going happen and we'll we'll take care of that. You're in good hands. But. Assuming that, you know each other somewhat from the prior history of this case. We maybe can make some introductions If there's attorneys involved we can. And make sure that everybody knows who the players are here…That being said. First. Let me tell you that I understand that you have concerns part of it's that you don't know what's going to happen today You're coming into this blind. I know what's going to happen because I've done this before. You may not know what's going to happen Your attorneys. May know a little bit about this but even if they do I still would like to go through the details. For those of us who may not have been through this or even there may be some differences in how this has done versus other ones…You probably have some apprehension some fear, maybe even feel some pressure. If you have to do something you're going to be forced to do something…None of that's going to happen. You are totally in control of this process…All of the results of this are completely voluntary…One of the things that…you always want to have in your mind. Is the mediation process is a hundred percent volunteer Unlike a court where if a court says something you have to do it. Mediation is voluntary and I'm here to…find a solution that you already have that you don't know about. I'm not here to try to force you to do anything coerce you to do anything pressure to do anything. I'm here to find a solution that already exists. This just happens to be hidden right now. Because of the history of the case. So first let me tell you that I appreciate you being here. Showing up is 99% of the success This is hard for everybody. It was think how hard it was for you to agree to this to come here to make arrangements, to have to think about facing your adversary. To have to think about being in a room with people you don't know with me, who maybe you don't know what my position is or what I'm going to do to you. Right. Right. the fear and concern that you have…Also remember the other side has it too. The person you're across the table from the person that you're. here with. They have that same fear and concern you have, and they showed up to…Appreciate them for showing up just like we all appreciate you for being here. That's a big step…Now. Specifically I'm not a judge I'm not a jury I'm not an attorney or a government agent. I'm not here to pressure you into doing anything in particular. In fact, I'm here to take the pressure off of you. I'm here to see through the trauma and drama and toxicity of a conflict that we all have There's nothing wrong with you or did the other party for having conflict? We all have conflict in life. It doesn't I mean you're defective or a bad person or the other. The other party is either. It just means that things get out of hand. I'm here to see through that and discover the solutions. That really already exist. That you may not be able to see that you're blind to…So. I'm going to tell you a story then I want to hear your story. When I was in high school. I had a driver's ed teacher that told me a very interesting story about. conflict. And you know when you're driving down the road and somebody puts their their high beams are on and you're driving at them. The driver's ed teacher told me don't put your high beams on too because now we have two blind people. They can't see. And the same thing is within a conflict. If another person is doing something that's blinding you with anger or fear, you might do something back And now you're both blind. And so the purpose of mediation is for everybody to turn off their high beams. Right. So the first thing that's going to happen today is. I wish for you to tell me your story. About your case. Tell me your story about your position. The details I want to hear them…I want you to be heard. I'm going to actively listen and actively solicit. clarification I'm not going to interrogate you, but I'm going to ask you. To get more details about really what your story is…Let me ask about your thoughts that you have behind the facts of the story The facts of the story are only part of the story. What you're thinking behind it is very important to me Some of this will do. Altogether. Some of it will do in one-on-one sessions with one party. Separately. That way you can be more open. And you can maybe be more vulnerable. Remember. That in those separate. Conversations everything you say is confidential I can't go back and tell the other party or vice versa. It's all confidential So you can say whatever you want. You can even be vulnerable about what you're willing to do or not do…Some of it will be all of us And even that is confidential within these confines, right It's normally not subject to subpoena, not subject to public records There's no court reporter here. Nobody takes this outside of this room. Okay. Also remember that when you're saying something and you're saying your side of the store and your facts. The other person I might have a difference of opinion. And vice versa. When that happens I'm going to ask you for a favor. Greatly appreciate it. If you hear something said that you don't agree with even strongly don't agree with it…Let it go. This is not evidence in court You don't need to object. If somebody says something that's not true. You not…Arguing with it doesn't mean you agree with it? Let that vent out. Let it. Come out of the other person's thoughts. Sometimes just venting something makes the problem go away. Have you ever had that happened in your life where you just want to get something off your chest? And then it's gone. Let those things come out Don't argue with them Don't try to tamp them down if you can't I know it's hard. I know it's difficult but if you can do that that will be great. appreciated And I would appreciate it…Remember there's no record of this No One's agreeing to anything Try to hear something you haven't heard before If…somebody is saying a fact or statement you don't agree with, even if you've heard that before try to read between the lines and pick up subtext What do they mean by that? Obviously if somebody says the moon is made out of green cheese and you know it's not true. Read between the lines and find and try to think of why a person would say that they obviously don't believe it to be true Maybe they just need to communicate something or get something off their chest or they're just desperate for help…During these conversations. Be nice. don't yell and scream Don't swear. Don't call somebody a jerk. If you have those thoughts and feelings wait until we're in a private session You want to yell and scream yell and scream at me in private. I can take it. Right. Obviously within reason. Yeah don't get personal. This is valuable time. Negative energy takes away from this valuable progress. If you want to yell and scream at me in private, if you want to even yell at the other person. Do that when you're back in conflict if we don't come to a resolution. In this setting. The valuable time moving forward. It can be extremely helpful to the overall results…Who's helping you with this I…mean, I know what to do. You're in good hands. I'm here to help. I'm an expert at this. I'll tell you a little bit more about me as we go along I'm going to mix it in I don't want to make this about me This is your time. And the primary focus of this is you and your solution. As you say things. Even if you say something that you recognize later was. Ridiculous Are you. Or you just wish you didn't say it Remember I'm not judging you. I know that in conflict in times of stress people say and do things that maybe aren't reasonable. I do it all the time I'm a human being. So I'm not judging you. So don't feel bad If you say something that you regret. Just get it out there…What about being impartial You've heard of. You want somebody that's impartial. I am partial. I'm partial to a solution I'm partial to achieving a result. I'm not partial to one side or another. I'm partial to the result I will always be laser-focused on that result for both of you. For all the parties involved…I have an opinion. I'm not a robot. My opinion is about me Not you My opinion is that I should make this work If it does not work I have failed…You haven't failed. Right. My opinion is that I should make this work So I'm putting the pressure on myself to make it work Take the pressure off of you You don't have to do anything. Let me show to the bird and let me do the work and just contribute to it. As you see fit. Now at the end of this…activity. We can have that agreement that resolution if we do well formalize it. Write it up and you can go on your way and never have to think about this again. Put it behind you. We don't have to worry about legal fees court fees attorney's fees. What the court could put on you for problems I'm not going to do too much carrot and stick I'm always going to focus on the positive, but if we come to a resolution. All this is behind you think about all the pain and drama you've had for the last weeks months maybe years with this conflict. If we have a resolution today. It's all behind you…As an alternative we could have an impasse That means we don't have an agreement. If we have an impasse again I will consider that. That I failed because I couldn't see that solution…As your attorney probably told you, this is your last chance. Before it's out of your control Take advantage of having control. Couple last things to think about is. As parties in a conflict say things that they object to or complain about or they say wrong facts. These are just. steps in the road to a solution A lot of times complaints aren't really. Hard fast objections They're just wanting to get it out there as an example. If you ever went to a store to buy something it said oh man that's too much money. That's too expensive That price is too high. But you still bought it. Right. That observation was just you kind of getting your feeling out there…But it wasn't a permanent block to you actually taking action. So as other parties and even yourself say things that seem like they're digging in their heels Remember sometimes it's just you want to say what's on your mind. And take it with a grain of salt. So if you hear wrong facts unrealistic opinions illogical statements, those are just part of the process to get there. So don't worry about it…Will you help me with this? You don't have to. You know commit to. You know being forced into a solution but will you at least help me? And by help me. will you at least. Go through the process with me. Thank you for doing that in advance. It just makes sure. Do you have the time today to do this Do you have any appointments? That you have to, take care of any obligations if you do, let's know about that now so we can not force ourself into a corner. And also do you have the authority to do it And are there any other parties that. Are not here that have to agree to all this cause that's going to be an important thing. to making sure everybody has the authority and time to do it So if we can just get a commitment that we both have the time we both have the authority and…If you would help me, that is a request It's not a demand…And would you enjoy helping me solve this problem? Thanks for that And let's start with the next phase.