The Expert Podcast

If you're ever frequently around other people in conversations and you want to appear to be interesting or charming or have people walk away saying, "Hey, that person really was fun to talk to" or "That was a great conversation," here are a few things you can do to really stand out from others. Also, the opposite of that—how you could be boring, and maybe you want to be boring, or maybe you don’t—how to avoid it.

The most important thing is to remember what people want to accomplish in a conversation. Most people want to talk about themselves and be heard. How many times have you heard in relationship advice, counseling, or therapy where people say, "I just want to be heard. I want people to listen to me"? That’s a key element of people’s needs as a human.

So, what can you do in a conversation? Well, you can try not just to listen but to draw that out of them. Here’s a very specific thing you can say to a person if you really want to make a good impression. Obviously, the context has to be correct, but you can say:

"Look, think of a subject that you love to talk about—a story you love to tell, a topic that you love to discuss, a fact that you love to explain to other people—something that is unique to you that you just love to say out loud but don’t have people who like to listen to it. Maybe it’s a story you’ve told about when you were in college. You love to tell this story, but nobody wants to listen because all your friends have heard it a million times and are like, ‘Oh gee, he’s telling that story again.’ Maybe it’s something you know about because of your career, your job, your education—a very specific fact that nobody likes to hear because it’s boring. Maybe it’s a particular event that happened at your job that is important to you, but nobody else really cares about it.

Think of that in your head and give the person time to think about it. Then say: ‘Now, I want you to tell your story. I want you to tell it in a way that nobody else wants to listen to, or that nobody else likes to hear. Just tell it from your own internal point of view, without thinking about how I am reacting to it. Just say it however you want to say it. Don’t try to change it to make it seem like you think I’m going to like it more. Ready? Go.’"

Now, you can change the wording and the way you say that based on the context. Obviously, you don’t want to walk up to a stranger and say that. If it’s somebody you know a little bit but not too well, you don’t want to freak them out by being too personal. But either way, try to beg a story out of them.

The good news is that’s all the work you’re going to have to do—just thinking of how to say that. Once you’ve said that to the person and convinced them to tell their story, believe me, the work is done. They will then just go on—it’s like winding up a toy and letting it go.

During that story, you have to be relatively engaged. You can’t just space out, look around, or play with your phone. You have to pay attention to them. Maybe occasionally ask a question or acknowledge, "Yeah, that makes sense," or "Gee, that was interesting," and let them go.

Now, is this going to be difficult to do? Well, that depends on your personality. You might not like it because you want to talk about yourself. You might want to tell your story and have somebody listen to it because you’re craving that kind of attention. Do that at a later date. If you want to make a good impression on another person, you will do that better by letting them tell you some unique, unusual, or even boring story—rather than you trying to tell an exciting story about your life.

That exciting thing about your life may not be that exciting to somebody else. It might be boring to them. You will be back in your video in just a few seconds.

In the meantime, remember that ActualHuman.com offers you live one-on-one private video consultations with an expert in this exact subject. We want to listen to your story. We want to hear your questions. We want to give you expert advisement on your options and tell you what we know about your particular situation.

Now, back to your video.

You’re not going to impress somebody with an exciting story about yourself in most cases—especially if you do that first. If you listen to the other person, or if there are four people in a room, ask them their stories.

If there’s more than one person, you can even take this a step further. You can ask one person to tell their story, and as they wrap up, say, "Great, that was interesting. Sally, what about you? What story do you have?"

If you’re the one taking control of asking these questions, you can be like the Master of Ceremonies—the main character in the room. I can guarantee you that it will have a big effect on how people walk away two or three days later, thinking, "Man, we were at that party, and John was really interesting. He really carried that conversation." They might even say that you said some interesting things—even if you never told your story—because, to them, you were the one who orchestrated the whole thing.

This can work in a business environment, a social environment, or even if you’re dating. You can ask the other person the same thing.

Now, you don’t want to be fake in terms of your interest. If the subject they’re talking about isn’t that exciting to you, that’s okay. But what should be exciting is the fact that the person is sharing something about themselves. So, you can be excited about the event, even if you’re not excited about the subject.

Does that make sense?

If you do that, you will make a big impression on a person. Now, if it’s going to be hard for you to continue to do it—if you’re only going to do it once or twice and then go back to being your boring old self—then you might want to rethink it. You don’t want to come across as disingenuous. Later on, they might say, "Well, that was fake. He’s really not that way."

So, you’re going to have to do this on a regular basis if you’re going to be around that person or those people in the future. But it’s a great way to establish interest.

If you don’t believe me, just try it. Try it one time with one or two people and see how it works as an experiment.

On the other hand, if you want to be boring, just go up to a bunch of people and tell a story about yourself. Because I can tell you that the story you have about yourself in your head—the time you went hiking in the mountains, found a lake, and caught a big trout—you’re imagining it as exciting because you were there. You’re reliving it. But to the other people, they’re not seeing that movie in their head the way you are. They weren’t there. They don’t have the same attachment or sentimental connection to that moment as you do.

To them, it’s just another story. They have plenty of their own stories that, to them, are even more interesting.

So, if you want to be boring, tell your story.

If you want to be exciting, beg the story from other people.

Not just let them tell their story—because that’s a low-bar permission. If you beg for it, if you really want to hear it and take it a step further by making them think of something they have trouble communicating to others, it will be like a magic trick. You will be far ahead in establishing your value to that person, whether it’s in business, personal relationships, or otherwise.

If it’s business, you might even want to prime the pump a little. If you know something about that person—let’s say they’re a CEO of a stock company—you might say, "How does this work in the stock trading industry? What’s a story you love to tell that is boring to people outside the industry?"

You can customize your approach to get the conversation going.

Try it once or twice. Then come back and let us know how it worked for you.

Thank you for watching another episode of Actual Human Advisory on Describe TV.

Remember, we offer live one-on-one consultations at ActualHuman.com. You can book a session with a licensed investigator, insurance broker, mortgage broker, real estate broker—I’m also a certified real estate title examiner, a certified civil court mediator, and have developed and sold multiple businesses for millions.

If you have questions, use the link below to book a session.

We’ll see you in the next video!