The Expert Podcast

So, who are you in a fight with right now? Obviously, everybody has disputes with people. It could be a coworker, your spouse, a friend, a relative, a neighbor—anybody you have a disagreement with. When that happens, what do you do about it?

Here’s an example you might see in the newspaper: Dear Abby. Somebody complains about something and wants advice. In this case, it was about someone who went on a date, and the date said, "Park anywhere." Then they got towed, and now they're asking the other person to pay the fee.

Whether you agree with one side or another, obviously there are two sides to every story. Maybe there’s more information that we don’t know about this. But this is the kind of small-level dispute that comes up. Rather than having direct communication skills to talk to the other person about it, they write to Dear Abby. Even if Dear Abby says, "Yes, he should pay for it," that’s not going to make the person pay for it. You can’t just walk back with an article and say, “Dear Abby says you’ve got to pay, so you’ve got to pay.”

It’s more about collaboration, not trying to get somebody to take your side. There are already two sides. Just adding a few people to your side or them adding people to their side doesn’t resolve the conflict. It doesn’t resolve the dispute. What you have to do is bridge the gap. Getting more people on your side just makes both sides stronger and more defensive.

By bridging the gap, you don’t need people on your side—you already have a side. The other person has a side. Don’t make them stronger. Instead, look for where the common ground is. That’s where mediation can help.

The mediator could be a friend, a third party, or anybody who can step in between and take the animosity out of the equation. Mediation is done by people who are neutral. They can see both sides and identify where one party might have a point, the other party might have a point, and where there may be gaps or blind spots.

Use mediation as a tool to resolve these conflicts so they don’t escalate to the point where you feel you have to spend time writing to Dear Abby, going to court, or doing something major. Let a mediator resolve it, because most of the conflict is probably emotional, and the tangible parts can likely be resolved very easily.