The Expert Podcast

Hi, this is Dave. As a certified conflict mediator, certified in Civil Court mediation and Family Court mediation, seeing disputes resolved and fights handled is something we look at every single day. Here’s the thing: conflicts are a part of life. It may seem like more conflicts happen within a marriage, but that’s only because you spend more time with your life partner—your spouse, boyfriend, girlfriend, or whoever it is. Because of that, you spend more time and log more hours, which could generate more conflict.

Plus, you get more interpersonally associated with that person. So, how do you avoid or resolve conflicts within a marriage? Well, it’s the same way you do it in any other conflict. Here’s the thing: in almost every conflict or dispute, there’s already 90% agreement on most of the things in play. The unresolved issues often don’t have significant differences. Instead, they’re tied to spite, pride, or principles that one or both people hold, where they don’t want to give in—not because of the argument itself, but because of their personal sense of independence. They feel like they’ve already given in too much.

So, how do you handle that? This article talks about house rules of a marriage. Some of these rules involve things beyond conflict, like showing fondness for the other person. Basically, do you like the other person? Because if you don’t, it doesn’t matter anyway—you probably wouldn’t have a relationship. Another rule is turning towards your partner, meaning you focus on and engage with them. A positive perspective is also key because negativity and demoralization can ruin things.

Managing conflict is crucial. Conflict is inevitable, but how you manage it determines the future of the relationship. Both partners should approach disagreements as a team, aiming to solve the issue rather than prove themselves right. This starts with listening to the other person. You don’t have to agree with them, but just listen. Many people mistakenly think that listening means agreeing, but that’s not true. Listening without objection doesn’t mean you accept or acknowledge the point—it’s simply hearing them out.

Often, in mediations or conflict resolutions, all the other person wants is to get their thoughts off their chest. Once they do, they may not even need the other person to agree—they just wanted the chance to vent. Think about it: one of the biggest complaints in relationships is, “I just want to be heard.” In legal cases, people often say, “I just want my day in court.” They don’t necessarily want to win; they just want to express themselves without being shut down.

The hardest yet easiest thing you can do in a conflict with someone you care about is to let them speak their mind. For example, you can say, “I know you have a lot to say about this subject. I want you to speak without interruption. Say the things you normally don’t have an outlet or audience for, and just let it all out. I might ask you some questions, but I won’t interrupt or object. Ready? Go.” Then, no matter what they say—even if they criticize or suggest changes—respond with gratitude. Say, “Thank you for sharing that. I’m not sure I agree with everything, but I wanted to hear it because it’s important to me.”

If you need to respond, take your time. Say, “I want to absorb what you said and think about it. We’ll talk again later.” This way, you show respect for their effort and avoid immediately shutting them down. Even if what they say is painful, letting them express themselves strengthens trust.

For strong relationships, whether personal or professional, let the other person talk. Later, revisit the conversation and ask questions like, “You mentioned this—tell me more.” Focus on them. You don’t have to agree, and you can always say no to things you don’t believe in. Letting someone speak often allows them to process and resolve their own positions. Sometimes, people hold onto a stance out of spite, but they’ll let go if given the space to reconsider.

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