The Expert Podcast

So how do you know if your mediator is a skilled facilitator or just an average? mediator. A really good. Mediation is done by somebody who performs What's called active listening. And you might think that listening is just a passive thing where you don't have to. Take any action, an active listener…As a mediator does five things for you. First of all they get your story That's obvious You want to tell your story? As a participant in a case whether it's a…litigation a divorce case or any other type of conflict you have a story to tell. You have facts that you want to convey You have a history you want to talk about Remember…the mediator, the other party, anybody in the world doesn't know your story Like you do. You have a very specific knowledge in history of entirely what happened? To you. In your dispute. You want to tell that to somebody? You want to convey that? History to another person. An active listener. Gets that story from you They don't just sit back and like let the words land on them. They actively. Solicit that story from you It's not just words It's a story. In addition to that, number two is they're going to probe and clarify the meanings of what you're saying. If you say, well, I saw the sky was blue Well what does that mean? Why did you say the sky was blue Did you notice it was good weather Did you notice that. it was a. Unusually good day where you in a good mood, the fact that you said the sky is blue means more than just the fact of the sky being blue It means that there's some hidden meaning behind it or subtext. Beyond what's just said in words, An active listener. Here's your story, but they also probe more and clarify the meanings of what you're trying to say. Number three is…we're listening for emotions…The most important factor in resolving any kind of dispute is the emotions It's not the facts. The facts of the case. really our chest the. Justification for emotions. The emotions are what solves the case. You're not there to. Really dispute facts You're there to resolve your emotions You have anxiety fear, anger stress…Maybe greed. And those emotions are what's driving your dispute. So telling your story Yeah that's a good part. Getting the meanings is a good part but the key is getting to the emotions is what's driving and the other person's emotions to the other side of the case has the emotions as well. Once the story's been told. The clarification has been established and the emotions are understood. Then it's a summarization to really painting a picture of really what's happening with that case, summarizing the case…So it's easily understood. That's step four. And another very important factor that a lot of people don't realize as a good mediator. Is to put a value on silence…mediators should listen more than they talk. A mediator should absorb and take things in and solicit more out. And if the party says 20 words how do I get the party to say 40 or 50 or a hundred How could I get more information? And feelings and emotions from the other side. So silence is a great tool…To eat elicit more involvement from the parties In fact, If you were taught. right now telling your story. And I ask a question and I just stopped and I shut up…And let you speak…That awkward silence. Would be a reason that you would say more about what's going on? And the more that…really what's going on comes out. The easier the solution in most cases the reason the solution does not happen is because only the surface story. Is what's out there. The real solution. It's sometimes hidden buried sometimes intentionally, sometimes subconsciously by both parties. Most cases a mediation, the answer's already there both parties already agree on everything that needs to be done. They're just unwilling. To be vulnerable about it. Let the mediator do that Let the mediator take that. Burden off of you…So you don't have to force your way through to have your day in court or To force your will on somebody or have their will force on you. The answer is probably already there. It's just…getting your story out. And having somebody listen to you. And hear it In fact…The phrase that most people say I want to have my day in core. Think about it Why do you want to have your day in court? What do you want to do on that day? Is because you want to win. Is it because you want to talk to a judge? Is it because you want to see what the inside of a court looks like Is it because you want to be on law and order or. People's court. No. Think about it. The reason you want your day in court is because you want somebody to hear your story. That's it. It's all about emotions and getting your story out there. So let a mediator do that for you…You'll have the undivided attention. Of a person who is interested in your story and is interested in a solution. Not an attorney Who's interested in billable hours, not the other party who's interested in winning over you or shutting you down. You have a mediator that's interested in hearing your story hearing the meaning behind it and the emotions that are creating. The anxiety. That can easily be dissolved…