The Expert Podcast

Over the years we've investigated thousands of cases of relationship infidelity and relationship misrepresentations In almost every case there's three or four factors that show up That could have been Things that could have been noticed in advance We're going to talk about those now Keep in mind just because you see one of these things doesn't automatically mean that the other person in your relationship is being unfaithful or lying to you or misrepresenting things to you but they are indications that you need to look further Because a relationship is probably the most important Factor in your life of happiness success achieving goals achieving Benchmarks that you want to achieve Whoever you're with is going to either help you do it or they're gonna hold you back Or sometimes even take away from you your happiness and success in life So here's what we found after looking at thousands of these cases that are beyond the things you'll see on relationship dating sites Like well do they You know all of a sudden buy new clothes or are they taking a shower three times a day or they always hiding their phone those are obvious things you can look for but there's other things that we find in relationships that have Chronic misrepresentations or infidelity that you probably want to know about So the first one has to do with finances If the person In a Serious relationship Is not Willing To not necessarily combined finances But to put their vulnerability In you And vice versa That could be a red flag What does that look like Well If you have an apartment do you both on the lease Do you have shared bank accounts if you're not married are there any commingling of funds Do you share the responsibilities It doesn't mean that they pay for everything or you pay for everything but is there A belief in trust in the other person And are they trusting in you to make those decisions Are there insurance policies If you're married do you have a life insurance policy Do you have coverage for your children Now when it comes to Disparate Financial backgrounds The question comes up a lot Is what about a prenuptial agreement or postnuptial agreement Is that fair Well that by itself we found is not a deal breaker We found many Relationships that ended up being good relationships that had a prenuptial or postnuptial agreement Sometimes it makes it stronger because if there's a disparity in what the parties bring to the relationship Look you don't necessarily want to you You know Dump everything onto the other person Sometimes there's reasons to have some separations or at least A documented arrangement If a relationship goes astray Here's an example People say well I don't want to have a prenuptial agreement Well guess what If you don't have one you do have one It's just one that's created by the state Whatever state you live in has a set of rules that kick in If your marriage breaks up And if you don't have a prenuptial agreement that you and your partner create mutually You have to live with whatever one the state has It might not be good for either one of you It might not be what you want And if you do that you're going to have to go through a process where the court is going to take a lot of legal fees To use the states Pre-canned Divorce agreement If you create your own in advance you have a little bit of legal fees but you can do it collaboratively and mutually to care for the other party God forbid something happens So that by itself isn't the deal breaker It's more of how does the person handle money Do they just let you make decisions on money Do they let you handle budgets Do you talk about Those two of things or is it really kept close to the vest Do they tell you you know how much money you have Do they tell you what the assets are or do they just kind of keep it Secret That's a really big big red flag that you want to look at more The next one is activities right
In any relationship it's not necessary for people to be joined at the hip to be around each other 24 hours a day seven days a week a little bit of you know separate activity separate interests separate hobbies is good However If you're in a relationship The Intention should be that you do a lot of things together and you spend time together You build Shared experiences by doing somethings together There's a lot of things that you're going to do that your partner hates and vice versa And you may want to do those separately But you do want to have those shared experiences especially since Any time that you're apart is the opportunity for that person to do something wrong something they're not supposed to be doing So When those events happen that the other person is doing something separate from you There's three factors of that you want to be aware of First of all does it make any sense Are they doing something that they love to do Look if they're a fishermen and they're going fishing with their buddies and you know they love fishing That makes sense Right or are they going to help Their college roommate move look nobody helps Nobody likes helping somebody move Right Are they driving their cousin to the airport Look nobody likes doing those things Are the excuses they're making to be away from you Things that make sense Are they things they like Or they things that they don't like And then if they don't like it maybe it's an obligation but you need to look at what the percentage of time is happening And then the third factor is do the rest of the factors about that event Make sense if they're going fishing what are they wearing when they're going fishing That they were their old jeans and their flannel shirt Or are they dressed up What shoes did they have on Do the factors add up another thing That's a huge overlooked Detailed that you can self investigate Is odometer on a vehicle For persons going somewhere You know where that place is Check the mileage on the vehicle before they go And check it when they come back you don't have to do it right away I mean if your car is used You know sparingly You can check it You know in the morning if they're going to go out in the afternoon to see what the mileage is and or you can even write it down when you were in the car the day before Or memorize it
When you see it while you're driving And then if you drive somewhere else you could deduct those miles For example if you drive in a car and the mileage ends in 1, 5, 0 And then maybe you go to the store to five miles away You can subtract five miles but then see what the distance is that was used for that suppose at fishing trip
If it's the right number of miles to go to where they're supposed to go And back then that makes sense But if their efficient hole is 15 miles away and there's only four miles on the vehicle they didn't go no 15 miles away They might've gone to the hotel That's two miles away and then two miles back Right So check the other factors what they're wearing what the mileage is even things like is the car clean Is the car dirty Is the seat moved
Right Is your seat On your passenger side at the right place Check out the details on that event The events Of being away from you are important And the urgency of those events are important If somebody makes a big deal to overshare about an event to make sure that they can go That's a red flag Because you know they made a commitment to that other person Remember if a person's in a secondary relationship
They're making commitments to that person In fact sometimes those commitments are more urgent for them Because they desire the other relationship And if it's a secondary relationship that person has given them a guilt trip every time when you have to go home to your wife you have to go with your husband Right So they're going to try to Prove that wrong No no I can see you Don't worry And they're going to try to force the issue with you to have that distance and time So look out for those Urgencies of very specific times and you can verify some of the details too Next one is communications And even though we discarded the idea of like checking their phone that's part of it but it's not the only thing If a person is in a secondary relationship They will be needing to communicate with that party At times other than when they see them they're gonna need to communicate with him in advance to make plans They're can need to communicate with them each just to kind of check in and have her little romantic talks and texts and that kind of thing Some of that can happen with their phone but most people nowadays are smart enough To not make the phone a big deal though It's kind of hard these days So what they're going to do is to try to do things when you're not around Right If you're in the shower they'll send texts on their phone If you go to the store they'll call up on their phone Maybe they'll do it online on their computer So look for the opportunities When would this even be possible for my partner my husband my wife my boyfriend my girlfriend When would it be even possible for them to communicate When I'm around them one of the dead spots What am I not looking And then use those as times to try to catch them So if the person's thinking you're not going to be looking because you're in the shower or you're making dinner or you're doing something else Do what's called the circle back
Pop back into the The to the scenario with them They're sitting around watching TV doing nothing And you'll make it a point to say I'm going to go take a shower Two minutes later pop back And see what they're doing Or on their computer Or something else The communications are a lot more Prevalent than you think Because there are going to be on a guilt trip that they can't see that person all the time And they're going to try to find ways to do it Don't bother looking on their phone for texts or phone calls Cause they're not going to leave it out in the open But try to catch them in the act when they're doing it The next one is calendar dates calendar dates Anytime there is a Holiday or an event that Would be an excuse or reason that that would have to see the other person See what's going on around that time on their birthday Around Valentine's day Around Christmas around new years Different events Now obviously as the primary relationship you're going to see them on their birthday You're going to see them on Valentine's day You're going to see them on Christmas New years but what about the day before the day after They're going to have to do something to maintain that relationship by connecting with this other cheater person On a date near that even on their birthday
Right there side relationship is going to want to do something for their birthday They may not be able to do it on their birthday What about the day before What about the day after really hone in on those dates To see where they're going what they're doing Because that's going to be where their Achilles heel is Maybe not a new year's Eve maybe new year's day Maybe that Christmas day Christmas Eve or vice versa Look for those dates and really focus in what's happening on those dates We're not even going to get into things like GPS monitoring or tracking because you know it's illegal in most places And if you want to do that fine but we're talking about things that can track afterwards
And the last one is third parties In this person's life besides the other person Who would know about this Do they have a friend Do they have a college roommate Do they have a brother sister Who is that close confidant That at some point Has become aware of this other relationship There's gotta be somebody it's not just them At some point they'll leak it sneak it maybe even go out to dinner with this other relationship and somebody else Who is that other person that they can trust to know about this side relationship That's not going to tell you think about the list of all their friends colleagues coworkers Relatives And who are the top four or five candidates That would know about this other relationship
And from that list maybe like I said pick three or four And Start having conversations with them You're not going to ask them directly Hey is Joe cheating on me Hey Sally cheating on me because it's going to backfire But casually started to have more conversations Maybe it's when there's a mutual event that you're at with your primary relationship partner Maybe it's an excuse To contact them about their birthday or about buying a gift or you know taking them out to dinner or doing something Hey look I want to do something special for Joe I want to talk to you about it Just find the excuses to have a conversation From those conversations you'll be able to get clues Do they feel guilty about it Some of the people Even though there Roped into this You know Place of confidence circle of trust They don't want to be there They wish that they Weren't aware of this happening because now they feel guilty that now there'll be training You do Some of them are just I got your back I'll never tell and they'll keep it a secret either way can pick up on that From those conversations So Without having an agenda of what to say just have more conversations with those people Almost every single time 99% of the time when we've discovered infidelity in relationship Our client has said you know I knew when I talked to so-and-so that they had something on their mind they were hiding something they wished they could tell me Or when it came out they said oh the cousin Told me that they knew and they wished they could tell me So give that person an excuse to tell you become friends with them Go out shopping with them If your spouse has a cousin that you think knows Offer to take them to brunch or meet for coffee when the your other significant other is fishing or doing whatever they're doing Start to build a relationship because at some point it will be be blurted out It'll leak out it'll sneak out or Your partner is going to find out about it and try to tell them look don't say anything And the other person might push back and say don't do it anymore So find some allies that you don't even know who they are yet To get on your side Eventually it'll come out
So those are three or four ways that you can discover Infidelity you know without the obvious ones you know making sure their clothes don't have lipstick on it making sure there's not receipts in pockets Make sure there's not toll bills for going over the You know over the bridge to go to where they're not supposed to be going That's obvious stuff I'm talking about Other things that you can do that almost always point to the Right answer And that are a little more indefensible than a receipt that could be explained away